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There has been several threads and post regarding Tasers. Here is another one. I got an email (humorous) from a friend. It is about a guy that bought a Taser Gun for his wife as an annaversary present and decided to test it on himself first. I attached it below. It is lengthy, but in my opinion, worth the read.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and
I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue a rc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my&nb sp;reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, “no
possible way!”What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best..? I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ” don’t do it dip****,” reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you eve r feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser,one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
“If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.”…
Re: Taser Gun Birthday
Makes me think of the Shocknife and the “Brent is getting tasered” video…
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GiantkillerRe: Taser Gun Birthday
Come on Ryan, It was 5 seconds of fun and hilarity. On the bright side, the shock knives aren’t nearly as ominous as they used to be.
I want one for the center as a correctional tool.Re: Taser Gun Birthday
Brent,
How are those shock knives anyway? My center has them but I haven’t had the pleasure of actually seeing one yet:D:
Re: Taser Gun Birthday
Our police chief needed a volunteer to take the five second ride in front of our Board of Selectmen to demonstrate that you wouldn’t be killed by the taser (most likely…). After a worldwide search, the low man in the department was volunteered – you guessed it, your buddy, Steve.
I was concerned about two things, mainly. One, I wanted not to swear in front of all of the nice people. More importantly, number two was that I wouldn’t go, um, number two…
As Ryan said, time perspective on five seconds has changed forever.
The taser is a very useful tool in the police world. We hardly ever light anyone up – the red dot on the chest usually causes an outbreak of politeness. And it beats the hell out of being pepper sprayed (trust me, I know…).
So much fun, those tasers!!!
Re: Taser Gun Birthday
You got tasered, too? We should put all of those videos on youtube for all to enjoy. So far looks like Brent was Mr Tough guy, smiled through the whole thing, while all of the others were screaming in pain. I’ve also seen him slide the sparkling shocknife across his chest as if it were nothing. He apparently doesn’t feel pain. thumbsup
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Giantkiller
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